Purchase a tape-recorder (or mp3 recorder), and a dildo.
On the tape recorder (or mp3 recorder), record yourself making a bunch of "oooh" and "yeah" sounds over and over again.
When the time for sex comes follow these steps:
1. Turn out the lights.
2. Insert the dildo into your partner.
3. Press play on the tape recorder (or mp3 recorder).
4. Quickly duck under the bed.
If everything goes right, you should not get into any trouble. However; if your partner finds out that you have pulled a fast one on her, she might file a rape claim against you - or say that she was offended - in which case, you'll be registered as a sex offender.
Practice makes perfect - try this on an inflatable Sarah Palin doll a few times to get the hang of it.
Enjoy your weekend while you practice safe sex - with an inflatable Sarah Palin Love Doll - and when you get the hang of inserting the dildo and pressing play on the tape recorder at the right times - you'll be ready for the safest sex you've ever had in your entire life!!!