She immediately phoned the police, and told authorities that she had been raped after drinking too much, and that she had taken advantage of herself and her sexually increased mood.
As we all know, alcohol increases sexual desire, but decreases sexual performance. That is why she did not fully enjoy the masturbating; she was too impaired to operate the dildo efficiently enough. Luckily, she did not chip any of her teeth while operating it drunk.
Police arriving on the scene were terribly confused, they did not know if they should arrest Mary J. Longwood, or the dildo. The officers on the scene had to call their supervisor to get advice. The supervisor said, grab them both, we'll use one as the primary suspect, and the other as evidence.
Currently, Mary J. Longwood is being held in the evidence locker, and the dildo is currently on trial in an Illinois court of law.
Judge Reginald Limpdick ordained, by royal decree, that the dildo be held for suspicion of debauchery and witchcraft - and sentenced to be boiled in hot water to remove any demonic presences. He was particularly harsh on this dildo, because it is tremendously bigger than his.
|Jessica Valenti had just got finished eating a custard pie; this is what she had to say, "It doesn't matter that she might have consented to using the dildo on herself the night before, the fact is, if ANYBODY takes advantage of a woman in a drunken state, then they are the perpetrator of a sexual assault. So clearly, this woman is a victim."|
|Hanna Rosin had also just got done eating a custard pie, here is what she said,"I am not surprised to find yet another woman being taken advantage of while in a drunken state. Women are always victims; especially when it comes to sexual intercourse, because boys are icky."|
And now, in order to make ourselves look like a genuine news source, we present you, the reader with some bullsh*t carpet munching factoids, designed to demonize men, and angellify women like complete lame-stream media f*ck-wits (if this doesn't get women cheering at a man getting his penis cut off, then we'll just have to try harder!):
And remember everybody - violence against women must be stopped...
Violence against men - like a man being drugged, tortured, abused and sexually mutilated - gets good ratings.