Friday, June 11, 2010

The Partially Revised Catalog of Male Shaming Tactics

You are already familiar with the Catalog of Male Shaming Tactics floating around on the web...

To start, I rarely encounter a woman who uses any of these on me.

Why not?

Because they are too busy trying to get me into their pants - and rudeness is not an effective tactic for a woman to use to coerce a man to "put in".

Anyway, in case a woman (not a man or an MRA - which I have actually seen more often) uses these against you - here are my (fun and occasionally humorous) revisions to them:

  • You’re bitter!
  • You need to get over your anger at women.
  • You are so negative!
  • You hate women.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Anger is a legitimate emotion when facing injustice or irrational hatred.
No, I just hate women like you.
No, I just hate PEOPLE who have SH*T for BRAINS!



  • You have mother issues.

OH NO! Maybe you are right!
No I don't.
Nah, there are plenty of mom's I'd nail.
Where I come from, mother is only half of a word.
Issues with mothers like you - or women like you becoming mothers.



  • You need therapy.

Do you know any good therapists?
You are not qualified to make that determination.
Watching Oprah has obviously rotted your brain.
Yeah, sexual therapy - hop on cowgirl, let's get this rodeo started.



  • A woman must have hurt you in the past.

Gosh, maybe you are right!
My past is irrelevant to the legitimacy of my statement.
No, I am not into S & M.
I wanted seconds, and she told me she had to leave!



  • You probably live in your mother's basement.

Yeah, I guess I should grow up.
Where I live does not invalidate my argument.
Actually, my mother lives in my basement.
That's not my mom, I don't call it the basement - I call it the dungeon of discipline.



  • You can't get laid.

OH NO! What should I do about that!?
My romantic potential does not invalidate my arguments.
Yeah, I can only GIVE laid.
Not by women like you - and that's a good thing.



  • You're ugly.

Sorry, nobody is perfect.
Your childish opinion of my physical appearance doesn't nullify my arguments.
Look whose talking.
Your mom doesn't think so.



  • You're immature.

Yeah, gosh, I guess I need to grow up.
You're confusing being psychotic with being mature.
No, I am a big boy - and all the sudden, I'm getting bigger... and longer...



  • You're stupid.

Yeah, maybe you could help me to be smarter.
No, I am realistic.
And you're more stupid.



  • You're not a real man.

Yeah, I am a bit of a jellyfish.
Yes I am.
A woman like you would not know what a real man is. You couldn't handle one.
Yeah, exactly ding-a-ling, I am one of those fake ones.



  • You're probably in the closet.

Maybe you're right - should I seek therapy?
My sexual orientation does not invalidate my argument.
I've made out with a chick in a closet before - yeah...



  • You are jealous of women.

Gosh, yes, women are goddesses.
Women have feminism - that makes me glad I am a man.
(LAUGH).
Yeah, especially of all the shit in their heads!



  • You're probably some kind of pervert.

OH NO! I guess I need some help!
I see you've been talking to the women in my life.
Yeah, come back to my place, and I'll show you how much of a pervert I am.



  • I don't think you could possibly have a girlfriend.

Gee, I guess that makes me a failure.
No, no girlfriend, but I do have a WOMAN in my life.
Sorry, all I heard you say was, "I don't think" - that was the only part that made any sense.



  • Not all women are like that.

Yeah, sorry for stereotyping, I did not mean to offend you.
Most of them are.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the 3% who aren't.
Yeah, just the ones breathing air are.



  • There are men like that too!

Yeah, in fact, men are usually more prone to be like that.
Most of them aren't.
I guess I haven't met either of those two guys yet.
Yes, I have heard tale of these men - they're called GAY!.



  • I can do anything a man can do!

You go girl!
Nobody said you couldn't.
Like write your name in the snow by peeing? That's just creepy...
You go GIRL! And then Stay THERE!
Good, GO F*CK YOURSELF!



A word of wisdom:

These two poor guys never get any!

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