Friday, June 11, 2010

The Partially Revised Catalog of Male Shaming Tactics

You are already familiar with the Catalog of Male Shaming Tactics floating around on the web...

To start, I rarely encounter a woman who uses any of these on me.

Why not?

Because they are too busy trying to get me into their pants - and rudeness is not an effective tactic for a woman to use to coerce a man to "put in".

Anyway, in case a woman (not a man or an MRA - which I have actually seen more often) uses these against you - here are my (fun and occasionally humorous) revisions to them:

  • You’re bitter!
  • You need to get over your anger at women.
  • You are so negative!
  • You hate women.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Anger is a legitimate emotion when facing injustice or irrational hatred.
No, I just hate women like you.
No, I just hate PEOPLE who have SH*T for BRAINS!

  • You have mother issues.

OH NO! Maybe you are right!
No I don't.
Nah, there are plenty of mom's I'd nail.
Where I come from, mother is only half of a word.
Issues with mothers like you - or women like you becoming mothers.

  • You need therapy.

Do you know any good therapists?
You are not qualified to make that determination.
Watching Oprah has obviously rotted your brain.
Yeah, sexual therapy - hop on cowgirl, let's get this rodeo started.

  • A woman must have hurt you in the past.

Gosh, maybe you are right!
My past is irrelevant to the legitimacy of my statement.
No, I am not into S & M.
I wanted seconds, and she told me she had to leave!

  • You probably live in your mother's basement.

Yeah, I guess I should grow up.
Where I live does not invalidate my argument.
Actually, my mother lives in my basement.
That's not my mom, I don't call it the basement - I call it the dungeon of discipline.

  • You can't get laid.

OH NO! What should I do about that!?
My romantic potential does not invalidate my arguments.
Yeah, I can only GIVE laid.
Not by women like you - and that's a good thing.

  • You're ugly.

Sorry, nobody is perfect.
Your childish opinion of my physical appearance doesn't nullify my arguments.
Look whose talking.
Your mom doesn't think so.

  • You're immature.

Yeah, gosh, I guess I need to grow up.
You're confusing being psychotic with being mature.
No, I am a big boy - and all the sudden, I'm getting bigger... and longer...

  • You're stupid.

Yeah, maybe you could help me to be smarter.
No, I am realistic.
And you're more stupid.

  • You're not a real man.

Yeah, I am a bit of a jellyfish.
Yes I am.
A woman like you would not know what a real man is. You couldn't handle one.
Yeah, exactly ding-a-ling, I am one of those fake ones.

  • You're probably in the closet.

Maybe you're right - should I seek therapy?
My sexual orientation does not invalidate my argument.
I've made out with a chick in a closet before - yeah...

  • You are jealous of women.

Gosh, yes, women are goddesses.
Women have feminism - that makes me glad I am a man.
Yeah, especially of all the shit in their heads!

  • You're probably some kind of pervert.

OH NO! I guess I need some help!
I see you've been talking to the women in my life.
Yeah, come back to my place, and I'll show you how much of a pervert I am.

  • I don't think you could possibly have a girlfriend.

Gee, I guess that makes me a failure.
No, no girlfriend, but I do have a WOMAN in my life.
Sorry, all I heard you say was, "I don't think" - that was the only part that made any sense.

  • Not all women are like that.

Yeah, sorry for stereotyping, I did not mean to offend you.
Most of them are.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the 3% who aren't.
Yeah, just the ones breathing air are.

  • There are men like that too!

Yeah, in fact, men are usually more prone to be like that.
Most of them aren't.
I guess I haven't met either of those two guys yet.
Yes, I have heard tale of these men - they're called GAY!.

  • I can do anything a man can do!

You go girl!
Nobody said you couldn't.
Like write your name in the snow by peeing? That's just creepy...
You go GIRL! And then Stay THERE!

A word of wisdom:

These two poor guys never get any!